Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Perhaps oversharing?

Warning: This specific post isn't for those who are reading to check up on me. This is for those who don't mind a woman oversharing and complaining a smidge... maybe more than a smidge. Men... not exactly for you. My poor husband has heard it all and feels sorry for me, but that's part of his life with me, the oversharer... spare yourselves...

So, for a while now I've been thinking about nursing my son. I'm sure that's what others think about when they're dealing with the aftermath of operation effects and chemotherapy, right? No?
Well... here I go with sharing too much x 2 today.

So, nursing. I was one of those smarties. I thought to myself, "I've nursed my son for 16 months, I'm preventing any chance of breast cancer, woo hoo!" (little did I know 8 years later...)
Eight years later when I received my first diagnosis (cervical cancer) my first thought was, "Thank god my son is already here." well, maybe not my first thought... but I was so grateful my husband and I already had a happy, healthy child. So grateful.

So, for those moms who have nursed their children, do you remember when your boobs felt heavy, ready to pump or nurse? And do you remember ever feeling that for more than an hour? two hours? As teachers, some of us have that challenge of the "must pump!!" moment but you still have 3 classes in a row you must teach first.

Hmm.
So, why the heck is my mind backtracking eight years?
Because for the past stinking month, my right boob has felt like it was crazy engorged. To that point where I'm ready to scream "OW!!!" Well, sometimes I do yelp... I think it is a combo of a few things:
1. Lymph node removal- drainage is screwed now
2. Surgeon who removed my lower right lung cut into the underside of my breast to get to the lung (think that's the camera incision), also he cut a long incision across and almost into my breast for the lung removal portion (I think). The scars are healing but still a bit painful sometimes. Quit taking tylenol/panedol a week ago. That poor breast didn't need to be cut into more than it already had with the lumpectomy.
3. Radiation- this poor boob had already been thru enough in May when I went in for round after round of radiation. Poor thing doesn't know what end is up. My oncologist offered anti-inflammatory. No. I was taking that and nothing happened with the breast... nice thought though. He's told me "wear sports and supportive bras"... certainly am during daytime hours, made the mistake once of not, OWWWW.

So I walk around with what I describe as an engorged, painful breast in addition to the center of my chest burning with pain (assuming it is the cancer/healing from lymph node removal)... in addition to feeling scar tissue form... oy. I feel very lopsided when I look in the mirror. I've asked a few poor girlfriends if they can see a difference when they visited. They said "well, now that you've pointed it out..." - hah. I share too much sometimes... right?
Shared too much yet?
No?
Well here goes more then...

I'm going on goodness knows how much sleep today. I'm exhausted. Last night I was reading myself to sleep and realized I was wide awake still at 1pm. Oops, closed the book. Tried breathing, counting, peaceful thoughts. Nope. Opened book and continued to read. Then 2pm. Then 3pm- finished a book, LOVED it, didn't help the sleep predicament. The last time I was up ALL NIGHT was when I thought I had lice in July. Uh oh. Jumped up in realization at 4am. Sprayed my hair with these healthy oil stuff and combed my hair for 45 minutes squinting, looking, and checking- repeat times goodness knows how many. Blech. Really made me appreciate the short haircut. Nope, no lice. Yuck. BUT my scalp was freaking out. So itchy. Not sure if it is because my hair is curling back in as it grows a little bit and making it itchy when I lay down on it?? Not certain at all. But I was freaked out. IE no sleep. Thank goodness I brought back to Hong Kong the stuff that could immediately provide me with peace of mind. Yuck. Plus... my hair is falling out. Not clumps. But I'm pretty sure more than the 50-100 strands that can fall out daily- but of course it is more visible in some ways now since it is shorter. Hmm. Chilling out and enjoying hair while it is there... short and easy.

So, I'm done with my oversharing for the day.
I already went to my acupuncturist today. He worked on some energy healing and refocusing of my mind = redirecting from worry to letting go. Appreciated it but basketcase/exhausted one that I am... he made me cry- which is ok. I'm also trying his herbs, shall see. Will show ingredients to my oncologist but my oncologist already gave his approval for herbal medicine for a different Chinese medicine practitioner... so I'm not as concerned about that than I am all these other vitamins/herbs I have to bring in the list of and get permission for before I begin taking them.

I am going with wonderful husband to the local hospital today as well. Letting go of worries and concerns that are out of my control. Shall see how this appointment goes.
Thanks for bearing with me... To those that thought that I overshared, sigh. I warned, right? #gototopofpostandadddisclaimernow

6 comments:

  1. No oversharing...I'm thinking writing it down is a form of letting go. Hugs to you, doggy kisses from Xena. Surrounding you with love.

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    1. Yes, you're right, it is a good way for me to write and let go a little... Hugs to you, snuggles and happy sleepy times to Xena...

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  2. I marvel at all you endure. Wish instead you weren't enduring. Wish that with all my heart. <3

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    1. Thank you. Getting thru the days... Hugs to you... <3

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  3. Your posts never need a warning! I'm glad you didn't have lice! You will get through this--with your wonderful husband and son. Cancer? Fuk Tat! That's what I say! (loved the photo you posted on FB!)
    —Salina (sorry my comment says it's from Penguin! I guess I don't have my own account. My characters are taking over my life! But Penguin cares about you, too!)

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    1. Glad you liked the photo, I'm really usually careful on Facebook and was nervous about sharing the picture there but it was too perfect timing wise otherwise! :) I knew it was you Salina! :) Love that your characters are taking over your life... they're special ones!

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