Hope, Future thinking, and contemplation

So, I'm grateful for life... every day. I don't struggle when I write in my gratitude journal... I can even dig deeper than the grateful for family, happy healthy child, good marriage, etc. most days...
I don't quite get what completely picks me up some days and then brings me down other days... seriously, it shouldn't be hard to distinguish but suddenly I'm feeling positive after a slump. Or suddenly I'm feeling like slime for a while. I try not to fixate on things... just sorting thru emotions. Moving on.
Came across this article that made me appreciate having the chance to speak up and communicate how you're feeling, good reflection.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/22/im-a-mom-with-cancer-now-what/
Then I read an article on how scientists discovered that cancer grows faster when you sleep... sweet googly moogly... not pleased with that but they look at it as an opportunity to think about when chemotherapy drugs are administrated, etc. Hmm. Anything to help future patients:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jonfortenbury/2014/10/06/tumors-may-grow-faster-while-we-sleep/

I think some days I deal with a little jealousy. For example, chatting with friends about the future... that is hard sometimes. Simple future plans like travel is mostly fun to chat and think about and living here in Hong Kong there are so many incredible opportunities for people to enjoy exploring. My husband is quite the planner. I'm a little sad to miss our well planned trip to China to visit the Great Wall, Xi'an, Shanghai, and more... I read aloud a few novels to my son that introduced him to things I wanted him to anticipate. He's really excited. So the boys are going without me. That's ok. My best friend is coming to spend time together while they're gone. I'm thrilled to anticipate her visit and it will certainly lessen the 'blow' of missing family vacation time since she and I will adventure depending on my energy levels. We also have two other family trips preplanned and paid for. Hope I don't miss them. My oncologist won't give us a definitive answer about the December trip but flat out said 'everyone needs a holiday'... so shall see. We also have tickets to visit home over spring break. I am having a hard time thinking further into the future. Summer plans? Let's see how this chemotherapy treatment goes. I have hope and I'll cling to it, but reality also looms.

Chatted about retirement with a friend the other day. Where do you want to end up, etc. I certainly had imagined retirement in the past. But now, not to be morbid or anything, I'm just unsure about the future and am focused on survival, day by day.

Heading out for the day yesterday...

Had a great time visiting with lovely coworkers yesterday, had a late birthday tea and loved chatting with them all. Also tried out my new wig in a social setting- they were all extremely supportive. I'm still a little unsure about wearing it and honestly enjoy being bald at the moment with the scalp annoyances I'm having (using tea tree oil, seems to be helping)... I think I prefer wearing a scarf and honestly don't give a hoot at the looks people give me. As an expat, I'm quite used to being looked over anyways or simply ignored most of the time. So walking around with a scarf and a face mask isn't that odd. I can appreciate not standing out.

Enjoyed using one of my prepaid massages yesterday. You buy discounted packages at some places, works for me... It was the first time I'd seen my massage therapist since before I had the operation. So, she was a little shocked and asked a few questions but also was gentle and firm as needed. So grateful.

Last night I was surprised to have energy but took advantage of it and headed to a CancerLink workshop on stretching exercises, appreciated it overall, nice to be around people who know what I'm dealing with (mostly) and are so kind. I've committed to a few other workshops, too bad they're always way far out in Kowloon- energy plays a factor in whether I show up then. As it was I was late last night but enjoyed. I came across a good healthy recovery video for breast cancer patients recovering from surgery. http://breastcancerrehabilitation.com/watchthevideo.html Think I'll try to watch/look into it later more... will try exercises from the instructor yesterday a little bit in the next week.
Went to my acupunturist today and told him flat out that I couldn't drink that Chinese herbal medicine more than twice a day (I consider it a feat to get thru two of them) and he was mellow, gave me more, and told me he was happy I gained weight. He also lectured me about eating eggs, adding them into my food plan. Explained about how in Chinese practice eggs represent life and they should be eaten twice a day. Shall see. I had a salmon quiche yesterday at the tea and it was delicious that was one of my first egg-back-in-diet additions. I'll try to get at least one egg in me each day. Still a little freaked out about the estrogen factor of it though. I'm also still eating chicken and added in oatmeal. Shall see about that rice water... Stomach has lessened its issues at the moment. Sleeping isn't perfect but is a heck of a lot better than past weeks.
Finding that I'm avoiding some projects/responsibilities for a while and then when I finally address them it feels like such a successful thing... I miss being the one to tackle and instantly take care of stuff left and right but am realizing that this approach to life can be acceptable as well.
Thank you to all who donated to the fundraising campaign, so grateful, overwhelmed, appreciative. It was perfect timing as I just received the first of many "shortfall" bills yesterday from my insurance. No fun but approachable.
Enjoying art, excited about my friend (and sister soon after) visits, and appreciating little things...
Thank you so much for keeping up with me... grateful...